Recent Entries in Humour

A prominent male hooker, Dirk Blackman, was forced to give up his position as the head of a large national prostitution ring when it was revealed that he had repeatedly had sex with sleazy evangelical leader Ted Haggard.

Members of the prostitution ring were shocked by the allegations. "There are some things that you don't even do for money," said one man, who gave his name as Johnny Lovehandles, bemoaning Blackman's "intimate physical contacts" with the virulently anti-gay and shamefully untrustworthy pastor.

The Haggard scandal was the latest in a string of revelations concerning male prostitutes fraternizing with conservative right-wing figures, including the bombshell that male exotic dancer Milli Flotilla had turned his Miami dressing room into a secret shrine filled with revealing photographs of Rush Limbaugh and Sen. Bill Frist photoshopped to depict them in compromising scenarios involving Dennis Hastert and a constiutional amendment prhibiting gay marriage.

Opinions You Should Have - November 2006 Archives

  Toilet costume for kids

According to the website, it's a "perfect for every potty mouth kid." Har har.


Funny Child Halloween Costume - Toilet Bowl Kids Costume: Anytime Costumes, Costume Shop

From comedy legend, Terry Jones.

Guardian Unlimited | Comment is free | Terry Jones: George Bush's splendid achievement

Of course, your unstinting efforts to make torture an internationally accepted aspect of human life have surpassed everything we could have ever hoped for. I don't think there is a single member of the league who could have imagined, six short years ago, that our activities in tormenting our fellow creatures would once again be recognised as acceptable, civilised behaviour, as it once was in the middle ages.

Despite these achievements, we had, until now, felt unable to extend our invitation to you because you had been unable to fulfil one of our basic requirements: the ability to carry out arbitrary arrests, imprisonment without trial, secret torture and executions at will.

We approved of your attempts to establish the principles of arbitrary arrest under the Homeland Security Act of 2002, but unfortunately it was still restricted to terror suspects. We appreciate that you were hampered by the US constitution, but the restrictions this imposed on your arbitrary powers kept you below the threshold requirements for qualification as a despot.

I would like to take this opportunity to finally, formally, apologize to the country of Iceland.

What I did was wrong. All of it. From the merciless exploitation of the country's natural resources, to the ill-advised economic reforms in which the national currency was replaced with various flavors of Fruit Roll-Ups, to the (now) infamous incident with Bjork, ten thousand tubes of model airplane glue, and a roll of duct tape. What I did was wrong.

I guess I was going through a rough period in my life. I had just broken up with my girlfriend, and I was unhappy with my job. I remember clearly how it started: I awoke one Saturday morning, feeling empty and alone. I bumbled into the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and thought: "I'm gonna quit my job and go fuck with the country of Iceland."

McSweeney's Internet Tendency: An Open Letter of Apology to the Country of Iceland

This is awesome.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Unused Audio Commentary By Howard Zinn & Noam Chomsky, Recorded Summer 2002, for The Fellowship of the Ring Platinum Series Extended Edition DVD, Part One

Zinn: Once again you see a creature that's on fire being demonized in this movie: the flaming eye, the flaming Balrog. As though being on fire is this terrible affliction to have.

Chomsky: As though they can help it if they're on fire.

Zinn: After Gandalf falls, you get another view of the so-called terrorist Orcs. You know, the regrettable side of the Orcs does occasionally come out. The violence. It doesn't help their cause when these distinct, individual Orcs take it upon themselves to lash out at the inequality of the system. But notice that even these violent Orcs don't seem happy. They're not pleased with themselves. It's a violence borne of necessity.

Chomsky: Sure. They're trapped in a cycle of violence.

NO SNAKES OF ANY KIND WILL BE PERMITTED ON A PLANE. SNAKES ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED IN CHECKED BAGGAGE. This includes all pythons, boas, rattlesnakes, vipers, mambas, adders, and other known species of snakes.

Exception: some limited amounts of snakes may be allowed if Samuel L. Jackson is traveling; licensed snake charmers are allowed to have snakes in their check in baggage only if the name on the snake charming license matches the one passengerâ..s ticket; people who'se name is Snake will be allowed on board but only after full body cavity search

- Snakes purchased in the sterile area must be consumed before boarding because they will not be permitted onboard the aircraft.

- Passengers traveling from the U.K. to the U.S. will be subject to a more extensive screening process.

TSA: Where We Stand

Yes, that's it. Destroy this person's bandwidth....


Star Trek Inspirational Posters

Hogwarts wannabes
A robe plus a stick does not equal a costume. I haven't seen the latest Harry Potter movie, but I'm pretty sure nobody in Gryffindor was wearing a SpongeBob T-shirt under their cloak. And I'm fairly certain what you are calling a "wand" is a little cardboard tube off one of those hangers you get back from the dry cleaner. I don't care if you're just 8 years old, dammit, if you can't run with the wolves then get out of the pack.

Jedi wannabes
That goes double for you guys. That's a brown bathrobe -- you're not fooling anyone. Also, a very important note: Get a lightsaber, but not one with the blade extended. First off, your pink plastic tube doesn't look like a real lightsaber blade, it looks like a Pixy Stix gone agonizingly wrong. Secondly, how often in the movies do you see Jedi just wandering around, sabers extended, ogling the massive-breasted Japanese dolls, poking random passersby in the eye? I admit that the prequels would be vastly improved by this, but that's not the point.

Wired News: Condemning Comic-Con Costumes

The "x" makes it cool.

1. Upload a scandalous photo or video

2. Set a price, then email an anonymous threat.

2. If they don't pay up, your upload goes public.

Extortr: online blackmail for the masses

... the music video industry....


YouTube - David Hasselhoff - Secret Agent Man

Very funny scene from Robot Chicken.

"Get your 7 foot 2, asthmatic ass back here, or I'm gonna tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were..."

  The real cost of piracy

Wow. Kinda makes France seem so insignificant.


Donny's Blog - sarcasm, rants, technology

Lately we've been hearing more and more about the RIAA suing people over downloading music. Many people are skeptical of of the figures of lost revenue the RIAA reports, giving arguments like not every song downloaded equals a song that would have been bought. With all of this talk, I decided to investigate the cost of piracy, using the perfectly reasonable figures given by the RIAA: $150,000 per infringement.

In January 2006, there were approximately 2370 music torrents posted. By estimating that each music file is 5 megs, we can estimate the number of infringements as the number of downloads multiplied by the estimated number of songs. I ran my program, and when I saw the results I was shocked! Using those figures, there were approximately 76,272,931 infringements caused by the torrents posted in January! Using the RIAA's value of $150,000 per infringement, the total cost to the music industry was $11,440,939,650,000!

The funny video that asked what would happen if Microsoft had designed iPod packaging was apparently made by Microsoft. See the video here.

The iPod Observer - Now Playing - Microsoft Confirms it Originated iPod Box Parody Video

Microsoft spokesman Tom Pilla on Tuesday confirmed with iPod Observer that his company initiated the creation of the iPod packaging parody video that was first reported last month. "It was an internal-only video clip commissioned by our packaging [team] to humorously highlight the challenges we have faced RE: packaging and to educate marketers here about the pitfalls of packaging/branding," he said via e-mail.

The video, which surfaced on You Tube but has since been removed and can now be found on Google Video, pokes fun at Microsoft's tendency toward cluttered packaging by imagining how the company would have designed the box for the original iPod. Where Apple's design is sparse, Microsoft's final creation is full of so many stickers and other information that the photo of the MP3 player can be barely seen.

Mr. Pilla noted: "While MS did not release the video, it's natural to share funny things with friends. So while we didn't publicly share the video, it was shared with appropriate teams internally. We're happy to see others enjoy the laugh as well."

'I was raped by a doctor... Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.'

Her default persona is goofy Jewish American Princess. It makes the material all the more shocking: no one so dopey-cute and girl-next-door has ever been so nasty. She does Holocaust jokes, Martin Luther King jokes, Aids jokes and lots on Jewish girls and sex - chiefly anal sex and abortion. If she has a staple comedic form, it's obscenity delivered with a cosy flirtatiousness. 'Last night I was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis' - big kooky smile - 'and all of a sudden I thought - Oh my God! I'm turning into my mother!'

Her first broadcast gag was about the US legislation imposing a 24-hour cooling-off period after someone seeks to terminate a pregnancy. 'I think it's a good law,' she said. 'The other day I really, really wanted to get an abortion. I totally did. But then I thought about it and it turned out I was just thirsty...'

The Observer | Woman | If women aren't funny, how come the world's hottest, most controversial comedian is female?

If you remove Garfield's thought balloons, it goes from an unfunny comic to a rather sad, poignant story about a lonely man who has wasted his life talking to his cat.


lakini_malich: Jon seems crazy to be talking to his cat like that.

  A very StarWars Valentine

Hee hee.


Everyone knows that Valentine's Day is a soulless abomination of a holiday invented by an evil consortium of wealthy gardeners and greeting card designers in a desperate attempt to make us buy more flowers and cards. Their nefarious ploy worked, as every year men are forced to buy cards and gifts or face scorn and ridicule. This week the Something Awful Forum Goons do their part to pitch in by making some Valentine's Day cards that are more accessible to people that haven't left their basement since Episode III stopped showing at theaters.

Something Awful

Heh. "Interprets the constitution like a Unitarian interprets the bible ..."

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005

#3. George W. Bush

Charges: Simply put, the stupidest man ever to lead this country. Bushâ..s lobotomized Will Rogers routine is a satiristâ..s dream, a European intellectualâ..s caricature of the dipshit cowboy American, all balls and no brains. Often responds to questions by attempting to define the word he finds the most challenging in them. Thinks press reports of his various crimes are responsible for his waning popularity, rather than the deeds themselves. Interprets the constitution like a Unitarian interprets the bible; for maximum convenience and with no regard to the actual text. Foreign policy vision is less serious and more simplistic than an issue of Captain America.

Exhibit A: "I want to thank the President and the CEO of Constellation Energy, Mayo Shattuck. Thatâ..s a pretty cool first name, isnâ..t it? Mayo. Pass the Mayo."

Sentence: Trapped for eternity under shoddily manufactured Diebold voting machine, unable to reach nearby refrigerator full of hot dogs and bourbon.

It's true. They do.

Fundies Say the Darndest Things!

"How come atheists do not believe in god? ... can you explain why you don' believe in god? did something bad happen? are you jewish?"

"humans did not come from monkeys other wise there would be monkey people now a days and i don't see monkey men any were ,do you?"

"It is interesting stuff. It's funny when discoveries like 'The Neanderthal is proven to be a hoax' doesn't even make any kind of news or anything because it takes away from the proof that they want."

"I have never hid from vampires but there was a time in my life when I was scared of them, but that was a time when I was full of demons that had to be cast out of me. I also had a fear of mirros and interstates."

"Magnetic therapy has influence on the aura, the aura has influence on the body. The physical body contains an energy body , magnetic waves are energy, how the two interact can have beneficial and negative effects."

2005 is over and not a moment too soon. We've been doing this since 2000 and I can't think of a year where the bad outweighed the good to this extent in quite a while. And of course, that's great news for putting together a list of annoying things! Let's hope that 2006 will live up to this banner year of annoyingness.

Finally, a racist teenage singing group thatâ..s too cute to hate! Their strategy to have non-whites who listen to their music end their misery by committing suicide might actually work!

How could two different films about hot chicks with guns be this boring?

How stupid do you have to be for this dope to pull a prank on you?

President Bush could drive a flaming van full of babies off a cliff and FOX would find a way to spin it as a liberal attack on family values.

Whoops! The yellow dye in those LIVESTRONG bracelets causes cancer. Sorry, folks!

The extent in which this plastic empty souled waste of space continues to get crammed down our throats is mind-boggling. Ha! I said â..crammed down our throatsâ. and â..Paris Hiltonâ. in the same sentence!

retroCRUSH: The World's Greatest Pop Culture Site

  Best Blonde Joke Ever?

Meh, I've heard better.

Best Blonde Joke Ever!

  Weird Close-Talking Jesus

This is great! Apparently it's a spoof of this serious Jesus artist. I like the joke captions better.


Weird Close-Talking Jesus Guy

In October, residents of NYC reported smelling an odor throughout Manhattan that resembled that of maple syrup. No explanation for this smell could be found and it was soon relegated to the sidelines of the city's collective conscience. That is, until late last week, when residents once again awoke in the still of the night to the smell of breakfast wafting through Gotham.

What is this mystery smell? Where does it come from? To find out, SSW launched an investigation with our crack team of journalists and scientists. After laboring all weekend, we cracked the case. The overwhelming evidence points to a sinister Canadian plot to overthrow the US Government by destabilizing our economy by using the secret nerve gas formulation Maple B. The evidence is compelling:

Records obtained by our operatives in Ottawa show that during the Cold War, Canadian scientists developed a method of extracting nerve agents from one of Canada's chief natural resources--maple syrup. This agent, unlike most nerve agents, works subtly and over time, wearing down the exposed's desire to engage in complicated tasks and instead only think of pancakes and waffles.



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