Recent Entries in Humour

The mathematical equation for the perfect joke has been revealed by scientists.

The formula - c=(m+nO)/p - was worked out by Helen Pilcher and Timandra Harkness.

As well as being scientists, the pair are also stand-up comedians who make up the Comedy Research Project. They run this in collaboration with the Science Museum's Dana Centre in London.

  French Translation

This probably isn't real, but it's sure funny. This is "apparently" a US-made laptop bag. Check out the French translation for the washing instructions:


  Nude Gnomes Too Naughty

Lewd garden gnomes have had their private parts covered with painted-on swimwear after their owner was warned by police.Tony Watson, from Barnsley in South Yorkshire, displayed his naked gnomes outside his house.But instead of standing in cute fishing poses or enacting scenes of bucolic tranquility, Mr Watson's gnomes bared their breasts and buttocks.

The models caused such outrage that police told the ex-army sergeant he faced arrest for causing public offence.

A police spokeswoman said: "It is an offence to display something that is insulting or likely to cause distress.

"Although some people view the gnomes as a bit of harmless fun, we have to take complaints from members of the public seriously."

One of the gnomes now sports a polka-dot bikini, said local resident John Threlkeld, who passes the gnomes every day on his way to work.

As part of its 50th anniversary, TV Guide compiled two lists. One was the top 50 best shows of all time. The other was the top 50 worst shows of all time. The Van Gogh-Goghs noticed that left a lot of shows unaccounted for.

We are here to present to you the 50 most averagest shows of all time. These shows are not bad and they aren't good. They're of no real merit whatsoever.

Remember these shows? Of course you don't. No one does. These shows served one purpose in your life: passing time. You watched these shows because it was too hard to sleep, you didn't have the strength to hold a book, to generate noise, no one else was home, or beacuse they came on between two shows that were actually good.


In a major new case study sure to grab the attention of Pointy Haired Bosses everywhere, Microsoft announced today that the Total Cost of Ownership of Microsoft Word is 94% lower than that of the open-source equivalant, vi.

"There's simply no comparison," said a Microsoft researcher. "We cannot believe that anybody would seriously use something so primitive as vi in this day and age. The same can be said about all Linux distributions, which universally bundle vi."

  The Trunk Monkey

Got a problem? Get a Trunk monkey.


  Grover's Troubled Life

But what many of us didn't see behind that brave exterior was a monster cowering in the face of his own insecurities, a monster so unsure of himself he wouldn't even watch his own performances, and a monster who ultimately allowed his own weaknesses to overcome him and nearly ruin his career. A genius, a tyrant, a womanizer or just a washed-up drunk? It's time to expose Grover -- the monster behind the myth.

Microsoft Linux provides all the power of the Linux Operating System with the ease of use you've come to expect from Microsoft Products.

Microsoft Linux brings a new level of productivity to Linux, without sacrificing flexibility, performance, and control. In addition to features like My Home Directory and My Configuration, Microsoft Linux contains greatly improved support for Web and Enterprise development.

With Microsoft Linux Enterprise Edition, you can create scalable multi-tier applications using our new Graphical User Interface command-Line Technology (GUILT)?. Extend your productivity with optimized support for Internet Active-XWindows? Technology and built-in Internet Xplorer web browser.


  Rejected Transformers

Rejected Transformers was the theme for the second round of our intersite Battle Royale Tournament, and now it's open to everyone.

Everyone remembers Transformers, right? Transformers were cool vehicles that unfolded and then reassembled into even cooler robots. Both the toys and the cartoons should be pretty familiar to anyone who was a kid in the eighties. Transformers were the coolest. But how did they keep all the Transformers so cool? By scrapping the really lame ones that no kid wanted to play with, of course!

  Captain Kirk vs. Han Solo

Kirk's tale is interrupted by derisive laughter from a nearby table. "A likely story," says the man lounging there, his boots resting on the tabletop, a sneer on his lips. "That kind of big talk may impress people where you come from, pal, but it wouldn't last ten seconds in Mos Eisley. And it's not doing so good here, either."

  Happy No Pants Day

No Pants Day is a day where everyone, be they students, respectable businessmen, or cherished community leaders, leave their pants behind. Usually this means wearing thick, appropriately modest boxer shorts, but bloomers, slips, briefs, and boxer-briefs all work as well.

Yeah, that's it. But from the core idea comes so much more. When large groups of people parade around in public without their pants, amazing things are bound to happen. At the very least, you'll take your drab, wretched life a little less seriously, at least for one day.

No Pants Day is always on the first Friday of May, which is May the 2nd in 2003.


Since this is what most people are watching these days anyway, let's catch up on how the television news networks are faring in week one of Gulf War II.


A friend emailed, and said there was this image on the Onion that looked just like me:


Hardly. I don't even own a red T-shirt. Oh, wait ... I have one. But there's no peace logo on it. No wait ... yes there is.


drink when:

  • Bush is called a crusader (x2 if its by Saddam)
  • Saddam is called evil (x2 if its by Bush)
  • Iraq troops surrender to the media (x2 if to a unmanned vehicle or inanimate object)
  • Iraq uses weapons it claims not to have
  • the United States uses weapons it won't allow iraq to have
  • a member of the media gets shot at
  • a toast to the shooter if it's Ashleigh Banfield (msnbc), Geraldo Riviera (fox) or Arron Brown (cnn)
  • Saddam uses a Scud he doesnt have (x2 if its towards Israel)
  • the United States terrorist threat level changes
  • the United States government tries to link Iraq to 9-11
  • France goes pro-US invasion
  • Germany takes the side of the United States in a global war
  • Dominique de Villepin reminds you of that annoying rich kid in high school
  • someone implies Tony Blair is Bush's bitch
  • someone implies Scott Ritter is Saddam's bitch
  • anybody 'warns' anybody
  • the word "escalation" is used
  • Iraq and the United States are shown seated next to each other in the united nations
  • an American is shot down over Iraq (x2 if an Iraqi makes in into an aircraft)
  • an American is shot, (x2 if its by an enemy)
  • the media compares the war to blackhawk down (x2 if its because a blackhawk really goes down)
  • a puppet government is installed in Iraq (x2 if its by the puppet government installed in the US)
  • Saddam uses the word 'Zionist' (x2 if its bin laden)
  • you change your opinion on the war
  • the media shows Iraqi children in a hospital because of international sanctions (x2 if its because of American military action)
  • finish your drink if Saddam actually put them there, but claimed it was the United States
  • Iraq promises full and complete cooporation with inspectors
  • Iraqi civilians greet Americans with cheers (x2 if its with bullets)
  • the Saudis do something the United States accuses Iraq of doing
  • North Korea does something the United States accused Iraq of doing (x2 if they don't get away with it)
  • Al-Jazeera is referred to as the "Arab CNN"
  • finish your drink if CNN is referred to as the "American Al-Jazeera"
  • the conflict is compared to the Vietnam War (x2 if the word "quagmire" is used)
  • Saddam goes missing
  • finish your drink if he is confimed killed
  • the Pope is said to "pray for peace"
  • Bush mispronounces the word 'nuclear'
  • finish your drink if its referring to a bomb that has gone off
  • Richard Armitage's neck shows up
  • if you can't find Kuwait, Bahrain, Qatar, Oman, or the United Arab Emirates on a map (x2 if you even own a map of the region)
  • finish your drink if you can pronounce them all correctly
  • any of the following commentators are on tv: (x1 Ken Pollack, Khidhir Hamza, General Wesley Clark, Col. David Hackworth, General Bernard Trainor, David Kay, Richard Butler, Thomas Friedman, Scott Ritter, Thomas Andrews, anybody running for United States President) (x2 General Norman Schwarzkopf, General Walt Boomer, General Buster Glosson, Brent Scowcroft, James Baker, Richard Perle, William Kristol, James Woolsey, Henry Kissinger) (x3 any former United States president)
  • an actor or actress expresses an opinion on the war (x2 if this is the first time you've seen them in a year)
  • an American reminds the French of World War I and II (x2 if a Frenchman reminds the Americans of the Revolutionary War)
  • Saddam torches the oil fields
  • someone reports from "the Arab street"
  • Colin Powell looks exasperated sitting at the U.N. security council (x2 if its because a country you didn't know exists is commenting on the war)
  • anyone in the Bush administration says "make no mistake"
  • the American military are told what to do by someone with no military experience (x2 if they dodged the vietnam draft) (x3 if they dodged the vietnam draft, are an ex-governer of a southern US state, and ever held or holds the title of 'Commander-in-Chief')
  • Tariq Azziz's glasses get larger
  • somebody says Saddam "tortures his own people"
  • you momentarly confuse George Roberston with Shrek
  • an Arab country staging American troops speaks against the war
  • an Arrow anti-missle missle is fired (x2 if it intercepts something)
  • Tom Ridge laughs while discussing potential terrorists attacks
  • God/Allah picks a side
  • finish your drink if its not your god
  • somebody implies a blood for oil trade may be in progress (x2 if that person owns a S.U.V.)
  • a protest sign attacks Bush directly (x2 if it attacks Saddam directly)
  • The United States bombs anything in Iraq before the fighting 'offically' starts (x2 if Iraq tries the same thing)
  • Saddam is compared to Hitler (x2 if Bush is compared to Hitler)
  • someone compares the size of Iraq to California or France
  • The media refers to itself as 'embedded'
  • someone says "shock and awe"
  • The words "Weapon(s) of Mass Destruction" are used (x2 if its shortned to "WMD")
  • A US Official uses the word "liberate"
  • Bush says "innocent civilians"
  • Bush quotes scripture (x2 Saddam quotes the Koran)
  • Somebody says "between Iraq and a hard place"
  • A videophone craps out (x2 the anchor apologizes for it)
  • Someone on TV says something contradictory to what is on their news ticker
  • A news correspondent asks if they can still be heard (x2 if they say "Can you hear me now?")
  • Any political or military leader refers to Australia

Courtesy of Rick Mercer from "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" on CBC Television:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! And it's very nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we feel your pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this.

We've seen what you do to countries you get upset at.

Thank You.

  Save the Tree Octopus

The Pacific Northwest tree octopus (Octopus paxarbolis) can be found in the temperate rainforests of the Olympic Peninsula on the west coast of North America. Their habitat lies on the Eastern side of the Olympic mountain range, adjacent to Hood Canal. These solitary cephalopods reach an average size (measured from arm-tip to mantle-tip,) of 30-33 cm. Unlike most other cephalopods, tree octopi are amphibious, spending only their early life and the period of their mating season in their ancestrial [sic] aquatic environment. Because of the moistness of the rainforests and specialized skin adaptations, they are able to keep from becoming desiccated for prolonged periods of time, but given the chance they would prefer resting in pooled water.

[Tree Octopus]

From The Onion (

WASHINGTON, DC.President Bush expressed frustration and anger Monday over a U.N. report stating that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is now fully complying with weapons inspections. "Enough is enough," a determined Bush told reporters. "We are not fooled by Saddam's devious attempts to sway world opinion by doing everything the U.N. asked him to do. We will not be intimidated into backing down and, if we have any say in the matter, neither will Saddam." Bush added that any further Iraqi attempt to meet the demands of the U.N. or U.S. will be regarded as "an act of war."

  Escape From Eluned Game

Once upon a time we invented a great game called "Escape From Eluned". In truth you've probably played it yourself under a different name.

The rules are as follows:

1) Get a friend very drunk - one called Eluned works best.
2) Balance as many things as you can on them without waking them up.
3) Take photographic evidence.
4) Remove all the items, thus leaving the victim unaware that anything has happened.
5) Create a website. Sit back and watch friend turn red.

  The 12 STIs of X-mas

This is freaking hilarious, ya gotta love the British sense of humour. Not too many people could make sexual diseases into an X-mas song.

This place is a repostitory of pretty much every stupid user story you've heard and maybe a few you haven't.

Yes, yes! Thanks to Herschel we have download the clips, okay some of us, but here is the play along version! Huzzah! Mr. Rogers, you should be spanked!!


  A critic

Well anywhere there's art there's bound to be a critic

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D H McKee's bookshelf: to-read

Sunset and Sawdust
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The Thicket
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